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wayfarer42

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(no subject) [Mar. 26th, 2011|06:29 am]
wayfarer42
Well this is fucked up... Someone called the store last night and wanted to leave a contact number for me specifically. Problem is I didn't answer and the person that did decided instead of taking down the number they'd just connect whoever it was to me directly. I answer the phone just in time to hear a click. The only thing I have to go by is that it was a female voice and they were quiet. Now, that alone is strange enough but what else has me so distracted by this is that I have contact numbers for just about anyone I'd need to talk to save for one person... And if it really was her then words can't describe how disappointed I am that I didn't get that number. Objectively though it's so unlikely cause I rarely if ever mention just where it is I work online so I don't know... Hopefully an answer will be found soon.
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(no subject) [Mar. 11th, 2011|07:17 pm]
wayfarer42
I do still exist here. Life just isn't interesting anymore.
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(no subject) [Jan. 23rd, 2011|09:04 pm]
wayfarer42
Nice to know people can delete you from a list and pretend things didn't happen...

On a slightly more positive note I met an English gentleman over the weekend who predicts good changes as soon as this summer. Can only hope he's right.

Nothing else new to add...
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Tired... [Dec. 30th, 2010|10:41 am]
wayfarer42
I'm tired of everything I put in my journals being so negative... but that's all I have, just negative things going on all the time and no one specific person to talk to about any of it. So I just throw it all in here in a weak attempt to vent somehow while involving the fewest number of people possilbe. And right now I just don't feel like anything is worth it anymore... I'm doing exactly what everyone said I should to make things better and yet I feel more depressed and alone than ever. I'm pushing my body past it's current limits, taking more drugs and crap than I have in my entire life (the good kinds mind you), getting less and less sleep, and in the end... I've little to nothing to show for it all. People would say "yeah but you're making money now." and yeah I am, but it gets thrown right back into maintaining this shit I'm putting myself through and what ever little bit is left I'm trying to put aside but it just seems to disappear cause I still cling to the idea that helping one's family is kinda important.
I just wanna say fuck it all, toss everything aside, and chase after at least one more fleeting hope, but my rational side keeps winning out... That and knowing my luck it'd be all for nothing and I'd just end up hundreds of miles from home, living out of my car provided it'd make it... Christ I wish I had someone to talk to about all this... The friends that I do have left I just don't feel right talking about it with... Probably best that I just go to sleep now... or at least try to...

PS: ... Krys if you still check this damn thing please talk to me again sometime soon. I need to get something off my mind with you. It's nothing earth shattering, and probably kinda silly but it's driving me nuts that I can't say it.
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(no subject) [Dec. 24th, 2010|12:27 pm]
wayfarer42
I know there's been a lot of negativity floating around here, but I'm not 100% without heart yet so to everyone that's still sticking with this, Merry Christmas.
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(no subject) [Dec. 16th, 2010|08:09 pm]
wayfarer42
Guess I haven't said anything here in a while. Not much different going on though really. I work and I sleep, nothing else really worth mentioning. I work tonight even and will be getting ready for it in less than an hour now... sure wish I wasn't going though. It's not the usual hate of one's job that people usually bitch about though, tonight I'm there by myself. This is bad thanks to my mindset tonight. I don't have time to change it though so I'm gonna have to suffer. I hate being alone when I feel like I do... don't feel safe... sure do miss those days where I had plenty of people to turn to for support when this happened... I guess that all sounded kinda emo huh? Kinda hard to convey important tone through text... Just try to imagine someone saying that with a near monotone voice while they stare blankly into space. ... Guess that still sounds kinda emo... Just trust me when I say that's not what we're going for here.
I also did a very good deed today. Someone I know is very much in need of help to pay their bills... I got my pay check today so I sent it all to her. Some would call that just plain stupid... I think I also feel the same way, but it was something I wanted to do just the same. I also did some things for people at work the other day. Cleaned off a direct coworker's car cause I got out a bit before him and also went out of my way to warn someone I don't even directly work with that their tire was going flat. Good deeds... they say that they add up you know. Wish I knew what it was adding up to...
This is where I wrap it up before I keep rambling and make myself look like even more of an idiot. My no backspace rule for this site can be a real pain sometimes...
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(no subject) [Nov. 18th, 2010|08:41 am]
wayfarer42
You know, since mentioning the music at work in my last post I decided to pay attention to it more. It really is depressing. It's like really, do country musicians have nothing else to write songs about??? Though I guess it is more than just country... And the one's that aren't about just total heart break are worse cause they're all stalkery. Like there's this one song, sounds like it was like from the fifties or something, and the guy is singing about writing himself a letter and pretending it was wrote by whoever he's obsessed with. That's kinda creepy. Kinda makes me wonder what's wrong with my music really. I mean at least the subject matter my music is about wont get you a restraining order.
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(no subject) [Nov. 17th, 2010|05:06 pm]
wayfarer42
You know, I thought for sure I'd be crying myself to sleep this morning... I didn't even have a chance to get home before I broke down though. Of all the things that have gotten to me who knew that working by myself would do it... I suppose I shouldn't be surprised though, no sleep to start out, stuck in a building that plays song after song about broken relationships, and being in there by myself with no one to distract my otherwise wondering mind. Not to mention the entire scene reminding me of just how alone I am right now... Didn't really help that I had that all on top of the fact that I wasn't trained to run the place by myself at all, so I was on pins and needles all night/morning, constantly thinking I was hearing the phone or one of the alarms I was told to listen for. Kinda wished something had happened though so I could have a better story to tell, and to take my mind off the things that were plaguing my mind... and to teach those bastards a lesson to pay attention to important details like who's trained and who's not. If anything had happened there would have been a lot of legal problems to go with it. And I would have had a good cover for sucking so bad too... >.>
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(no subject) [Nov. 15th, 2010|12:17 am]
wayfarer42
[Feeling |indifferentindifferent]

So... Really seems like death doesn't get to me. My aunt Norma just died... guess it's last night now. She was part of my father's side of the family though so I didn't know her too well, but I do remember when I was just a little kid I spent a week with her, and I do know she was a very nice person. You know, one of those ones that's always giving you hugs and kisses when they see you at a reunion and such. Not entirely sure what the relation was really, just always knew her as aunt Norma. But despite nothing but good memories, I feel kinda indifferent. Knowing she was a good person and that it was more than likely a peaceful death helps though I'm sure. The thing I feel the worst about it all is that we were suppose to go see her the night before, but it got so late we decided not to. Well... guess we have another funeral now... I need to get something more appropriate for these things...
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(no subject) [Nov. 4th, 2010|06:04 pm]
wayfarer42
FurFright was fun. After typing it out a few times already I've realized there isn't a lot that I can put into words to make it sound like it was, but it was. I'll be going again next year and it will be better then, this I know.
Though one thing I've neglected to mention in my more high traffic journals is that it was a terrible reminder of how alone I am. I couldn't get anyone to stay around me for any real length of time save for once, any other time the people I was talking with would bluntly walk off and join another group and most times do so right in front of me. At one point even my best friend told me to get lost. I'm sure he wasn't meaning for me to really take it like I did, but I did. Even when going out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory I had this lovely reminder of loneliness when I was stuck, rather against my will, between two couples, one of which wouldn't knock off the lovey dovey crap.
This really isn't something I needed to go through right now since I'm trying hard to not become so resentful toward people that flaunt their relationships, and honestly I'm slowly losing this battle. It's not a good thing for obvious reason, but it's also bad cause more and more people that are closer to me are getting into new relationships and though they're not flaunting anything it is becoming quite frustrating. Worse yet I'm starting to question if there's something wrong with me. For all the praise and positive comments I receive on both my looks and character you'd think people would be lining up for a chance to be with me, but instead I've literally begged to be with someone and still I stand alone. It is indeed making me wonder if people just aren't saying the things they do just to make me shut up.
As it stands right now there's only two people I dare pin any hopes on, but honestly they're long shots at best. One being a great distance away and whom I haven't had a chance to talk to in quite some time, thus making me wonder if I even stand a chance now, and the other I don't even know if I want anything with or not as they'd already be starting with a lack of trust.

Sorry, had to get that out of my system...
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